27 November 2007
ReX Sends Official Condolences to the Baron von Krabkakes
I awoke this morning to some very sad and tragic news, that our friend and ally, the Baron von Krabkakes, has passed into the eternal arms of heaven. Here is the official notice as it appeared in the People's Paper of Krabstonia:
Our dear friend and ally, firm though fair dictator of the Republic of Crabstonia, chicken conqueror, White Girls producer, horse track enthusiast, Celine Dion fanatic, Baron von Crabcakes, known to his loved ones as 'the Crabster,' passed away around 12:30am, Tuesday the 27th of November in this year of our lord 2007.
Crabcakes was suffering recently from many french fry-induced illnesses. Crabcakes was born in the early 50's in an undisclosed bunker in the former Soviet Union. He left Crabstonia as a young kitten and made a name for himself in the Afghani Mojahedin in the mid 70's. From there he traveled Europe and North Africa eventually winding up in LA where he supported himself by selling cocaine and quaaludes to the almost rich and famous.
A life of fast took a toll on the Crabs and in 2003 he retired in a quaint Southern town in North Florida, Tallahassee. This is where Crabster's life took a fresh new turn. One night, Crabster was busted selling homemade moonshine to some local raccoons. He was promptly convicted and imprisoned in the North Florida Animal Shelter. By chance, a Ms. "Y", kitty-scout for Mr. "X", discovered him, caught whiff of that famed Crabcakes moxy, and made a plan to break him out. With Mr. "X"'s relentless support, Crabcakes assumed power of Crabstonia in a bloodless coup in 2004. In 2007, he was run out of office and charged with gross negligence and embezzlement and has lived in exile in New Orleans working as in internet celebrity ever since.
Crabster, a eunuch, is survived by both the "Y" and "X" camps as well as many friends and fans. The world adored him. His countrymen feared him. He will be missed.
ReX, in his sublime generosity and earnest friendship with the Baron von Krabkakes has issued his first ever official letter of condolence:
REX, King of the Night, Magister of NoLA Rising, Emperor of B.A.D., Founding Member of the Vandals of America, do hereby issue solemn condolences to the Mighty Army of Krabkakes in their sad loss.
Much like Sandino and Gueverra, his revolutionary spirit will be remembered through the ages. The people of Crabstonia, while lamenting his corruption, will remember his spirit of generosity to those allied with him.
ReX sends support to his brothers and sisters of the Mighty Army of Krabkakes and encourages them to keep the legacy of the good Baron alive. A cat so rich in history, so generous to the people, so kind-hearted in his bowel movements, should be honored for all posterity!
Long Live Mr "X" and Ms "Y"! May the revolution that our esteemed friend, the Baron von Krabkakes, be continued through your hard work!